Friday, March 25, 2005

she quietly wept..

today's a blardy sucky day.In fact,very very sucky.It's saturday tomorrow.sucks.Syf rehearsal.from 2 - 6. Have chinese tuition at 10.finishes at 1.30.take an mrt down to eunos mrt station.ah..boring.Sunday.church day.I really think I'm backsliding.A lot.a lot.after what leslie told me.
It's either that I'm not desperate enough for him or God is putting me through a test.I definately need a breakthrough.I think it's both.And Leslie even ask me to think it through.
Either break up or stay as a child who doesnt follow God's will.I definately don't want to be his child who doesn't follow his will.Neither do I want a break up.I want both.I want to be his child who follows his will and I want him.Why can't I have both?
this sucks.this sucks so so so much.I don't like this.I don't like this at all.I don't bear to break up.I don't.And it never came into my mind.I don't want to hurt him.I don't want to kill myself by doing that.I guess I lurve him THAT much.
After much thought,I still can't come up to a desicion.Religion or boyfriend?Obviously I will choose religion.but I dun get this.Why can't we have both?Immaturity isn't a reason..I believe we both are mature enough and we know our limits alright..so that should not be a reason..I am very very sure.
and about converting.I'm always praying one day he will turn back to him again.I believe one day that prayer will come through..as long as i keep praying.Please.have some faith in me.Always thought of giving up.but i believe miracles DO happen.
and that whether the relationship will last?I dunno but I believe it will.I know eventually it will hurt me.but at least i know i have him once in my life.and that's enough.And you know me for like coming 3 years?Do you believe i will do something as stupid as that?No matter what happens,I'll know how to handle it.Don't worry.
and whether I'm spending quality time with God,my answer is no.Honestly,no.But I'm trying my best to go back to him.You've gone through this.You backslidded before.You know this more than I do.So please understand me.I know that BGR(boy girl relationship) is not recommended or maybe not *allowed* and that having using this time to go dating and stuff,we rather spend the quality time for "BGR"(better god relationship).Standard guildline is min 18 years.leaders,cell leaders,min 21 years and above.I know.I know.
I agree that I'm not right.But rest assured that I'll spend more quiet time with him and that to create a better relationship with God.
At the end,I'll still cant come up with a decision.But then,I really dun bear to sacriface anyone of them.And yep,I've promised that I'll get better grades this term.Mid year.Hopefully.hmmm,Having a relationship is not going to affect my studies.
I'll still continue going out with him and I'll spend more time on creating a better relationship with God.plus studying harder for mid year.
less time on computer.less time on sleeping.less time on ps.hmm should be able to overcome.(=

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